The modern dating process

There are more singles in the netherlands today than ever before. How is it possible that we have such a hard time finding “the one”, while the opportunities for dating have increased? apparently, all those dating sites and apps like tinder aren’t making it easier to find a life partner.

While this is what you would expect since, in today’s world, you can browse through hundreds of potential candidates, looking for the prettiest or most appealing person. With the click of a button, you could be enjoying a glass of wine in a café with a beautiful man or woman on the same day. Despite this fact, in my job as Personal Matchmaker and Singles Coach, I meet many people, who, after years of dating and considerable effort still haven’t met the right person. This way, dating can become a time-consuming, tedious affair. The popular American comedian, Aziz Ansari, recently wrote the book Modern Romance concerning our “modern love lives”, and why, despite the drastic increase in the number of sites and apps on the market, finding the right partner has actually become harder. In his view, the overwhelming number of singles on offer is the problem... Read more >

How do i survive a break up?

The primary focus of my job as Personal Matchmaker concerns the early stages of a love relationship, which is why I mostly get to see the fun parts, such as the excitement of getting to know each other, the intoxication of falling in love and making plans for the future. Nonetheless, relationship endings play an equally important role in my job, since all my customers have experienced love relationships in the past and these experiences influence the relationships they will have in the future in a variety of ways. Saying goodbye to a relationship is always challenging, and it takes time to process loss. This process often goes hand in hand with emotions such as sadness, anger and a sense of misunderstanding. But, at a certain point, the process is completed, allowing you to once again view yourself objectively. Only then are you able to learn from the situation, by looking at the less-than-perfect sides of your own behaviour or what was lacking from the previous relationship, for example. The processing process is important. An unprocessed loss can be an obstacle in (finding) a new relationship. Therefore, it’s important to give yourself plenty of time for this process by first accepting that you have something to process. The challenge is to give a new direction to your life as a brand-new single, while at the same time processing the pain of the breakup. By critically evaluating yourself and your expectations, you can gain insight into your desires and needs. With my extensive experience guiding people through this process, I have listed several helpful tips that will assist you in this realisation process.

Take good care of yourself

It is important to reshape your life in a positive way. Undertake actions that you know are good for you. Redecorate your house according to your own tastes and put items that remind you of your relationship into storage. Spend time with your family and friends. Make sure you don’t draw shared friends into, or make them part of, a feud between you and your ex.... Read more >

Choosing the right partner

What type are you attracted to? Do you like “bad” men? Are you a sucker for dominant women? Take some time to consider your type. Your choice of partner says a lot about yourself; a tremendous amount in fact. Strange perhaps, but why do you keep looking for someone to strengthen your self-image? Having a greater sense of self-value will mean you set higher demands of your (future) partner. If you consider yourself to be inferior, you will feel more attracted to someone who confirms those feelings. If you’re self-confident, you will probably feel more attracted to someone who is like you in terms of personality, intelligence and background. If you have the feeling that you’re somehow lacking, you will be inclined to look for someone who is your direct opposite; someone who complements you somehow. Birds of a feather flock together or opposites attract – these are two popular theories regarding our choice of partner... Read more >

Fear of commitment as fashion item

It’s the bane of anyone with a relationship desire. You want things to become more serious, while the other is continuously, implicitly or explicitly, showing you that he or she doesn’t want to or isn’t capable of taking things further. This attitude is often explained using the phrase fear of commitment. But what does a fear of commitment really entail? Is it a serious problem that you need to work on together, or merely an excuse uttered by someone who doesn’t really love the other (enough), but does want to enjoy the advantages of being in a relationship? The latter option is not imaginary. Realistically, it is easier to hide behind a fear of commitment than to honestly express doubts concerning whether you want to continue building a relationship with the other.

Does fear of commitment exist?

Strictly speaking, fear of commitment is a psychic disorder that usually arises following painful events from one’s past; often in one’s early childhood. For instance, if a child is neglected and/or mistreated in early childhood, the adult the child grows into may find intimate relationships in later life to be problematic, resulting in intimacy avoidance and keeping potential partners at bay, because intimacy is associated with the unpleasant relationship and/or experience from childhood. Of course, this disorder exists, and the people suffering from it often decide to work on it with their partners; with the help of a psychotherapist, for example.... Read more >